Chapter 16-- Too Deep A Cut

Ani had walked in earlier to his office. He set his chessboard in a Chanakyian mode. She could see clearly how he got rid of a couple of pawns. Sixteen pieces on the opposite side were intact when she first saw Sunil. He got rid of a couple of pawns. The man opposite Sunil smiled thinking that Sunil is a novice in this game.

" I had to leave the game halfway for quite some years.," Sunil sarcastically laughed, softly though.

Ani met Sunil, after that near a retail outlet. His wife and son, in the rear seat of the car. He was at the wheels with a very pretty lady beside him. 

Ani recalled those words round the vine about Sunil, generally repulsive in appearance but with an ability to engulf or uproot any impediment to the acquisition of movable or immovable good be it human or otherwise.

Like a tamed and subjugated pet at home, his wife waited for him to serve silently. His son, a withdrawn and slightly bereft of restlessness, inquisitive look or enthusiasm, stared out of the window, in an indifferent manner.

" Sunil, we are waiting to see you rejoin the game and continue," Ani's repartee brought Sunil back to where he left his game.

" I will, Ani: it's just that I need some gearing up.I believe that the winner takes it all," Sunil sounded confident.

Sunil's years of silent preparation made him was embedded in the policy of ostracism.

He rose like the phoenix after five years. 

Ani had a view of him, accompanied by a local Cleopatra. Rumour was that she presented the coronet to Sunil and that brought him face to face with his former challenger to resume the game from where they left five years ago.

Ani admired his tenacity and determination. She waited to witness his move. Sunil smiled from the corner of his lips.

Now, sitting in front of him, at the height of power that he aspired for and achieved with cautious moves, Ani appealed for a few more days to serve . He was specific and diplomatic. He had removed the rook, knight, bishop queen and said, " Checkmate". Ani remembered.

Victory crowned him. There were rejoicings. He rewarded the loyalists and ruined the traitors.

Ani too had been through thick and thin . The sea was also rough for her. She is about to anchor but she suddenly realized her anchorage is not sought for. She would like to sail for a little longer. Her cut was too deep to be healed. Ani can still feel the excruciating pain. The crews, so long, made her forget everything.

Ani came back to the present.

" I will be hopeful. All that  I possess is honesty and hope," Ani stood up. Lost in her thoughts, she walked towards the door , turned right, walked down the corridor, feeling the old ache rising to choke her.

" You should have learned to play chess, too, and challenged your opponents, in every game. You have accepted defeat without reason and never strategised to sit on a throne or walk out in pride. Why ? O why Ani", she introspected.

 Lockdown -- A Repeat: Chapter 15

Ani has been literally confined to her small, reasonably furnished, and convenient flat since March 2020. She did work offline. She had met her colleagues,her employer as and when required. Things were becoming normal and everyday work carried on in cohorts and bubbles after observing all safety protocols.

"Were they ignorant or in the denial mode about the second wave? Countries that experienced it had thirteen to fifteen times more damage during it, " Ani wondered.

"Were the Indians overconfident, lackadaisical, or hideous about the disaster that it can spell?" Ani asked herself.

She observed from her high-rise building, how cars parked in huge numbers, Not a soul was found wearing a mask. It was an engagement party. Tables were laid on the lawn. Guests wined and dined as if nothing is wrong in such gatherings or their closeness, shaking hands or hugging.

The country's per day infection data was above three lakhs.

Ani's friend called as she observed the social drama some one thousand yards away.

" Hullo Kavita, How are things at your place? " Ani enquired.

" My husband has been discharged, Ani. He was under observation after the second plasma treatment. There's a wedding in the community park. I really wonder why can't they have a little patience for a few more months or a year for it the situation to improve and then do all this, " Kavita sounded unhappy.

" The private hospital bills drain our bank balance and uncertainty still remains,I guess," Ani tried to sympathize with her." My son advises me not to step out of my flat unless it's a dire need.  I am foxed to see the rise in the gaiety of some humans, especially when crematoriums have corpses piled up and people are falling like flies.

Silence prevailed for a fraction of a second before their conversation deflected to the election campaigns in such troubled times and the election results in some states.

Life has its varieties.Life has its oddities. Who are we to be judgemental?

 A Fear Lurking at the Back of the Mind--Chapter 14

Ani seemed dauntless. She recalled the English teacher of the Eighth Class, reading out expressively 'Lochinvar' and in another class, a few weeks later, The Highway Man.

'Did she ever dare in love or life ?"' she asked herself.

'Yes, not once but many a time,' she answered herself.

What was the consequence each time? she asked herself again. In the end, she lost everything. She lost more than she could ever imagine.

Having reached her fiftieth year, she decided not to dare anymore in the years to come.

Covid-19 infodemic scared her. Dead bodies piled up in crematoriums. Friends and aquaintances being hospitalized some dying outside as hospitals run out of beds.

Ani stopped her evening walks. No stepping out of her flat.Whoever called only negative info with rumors as an addendum were shared.

Ani took to an inhuman lifestyle now. She started watching comedy films and cartoons. She started uploading light jokes on social media. Minds need refreshment, she thought, and not ingredients for feThe virus has committed till date the biggest genocide that any human brain could have ever imagined !

 From the Podium --Chapter 12

We all gathered maintaining all official protocol norms. What would be the agenda, we wondered.

One of them looked so fragile, on stage. 

Ani pondered, " Why is she present? Is it a fanatic sense of responsibility or boredom of being at home with no honest syncing with the inmates? "

The flow of words from the stage continued. His willing and thrusted responsibilities have been on the rise. He can delegate some of them. 

" Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown? " crossed Ani's mind. 

" He's putting his best efforts to keep us going," murmured someone in the audience.

Ani was unaware of the unmindfulness that she suddenly had. There were quite a number of heads that she had worked curiously with. Now her submissiveness is a consequence not only because of the unforeseen pandemic but experiences that taught her that ' The Boss is always right and peaceful coexistence became Ani's first and last option for almost a decade.

Ani looked around at the expressive, bland, curious, uninterested, timid but not a single annoyed look on the uplifted countenances . Some, as usual, were busy reading or responding to whatsapp texts or SMSes.

Ani remembered Sr. Geraldine, the most beautiful Principal who would strum and sing a hymn followed by a popular English number . The staff members were lost in her pleasantly expressive instructions, her commitment to the institution and the system. 

" Why did she have to leave the earth so fast? "Ani wondered.

Ani's present master is of a different make. He's like a coconut. With the passage of time, he has mellowed down. She hardly meets him. She observes him. She hears most of his words 

 A Video Call-Incredible --Chapter13

" The whatsapp message was that he would call very soon. Ani found it too difficult to believe. She recalled her near-death escape. Her Blood Pressure reading of 35 /50 scared her doctor friend. Dr. Rimmi gave her sorbitol, probably. She took Ani to her house. Amit did not call his mother even once to find out how she was. In fact, when she recuperated within a week and called him, he seemed to be in a hurry and wanted to see the medical report.

' Did he distrust his mother?' Ani painfully wondered. Or was he under the impact of someone who wanted proof to believe? Is it the same son who wished to call now ?'

After four video calls, they could talk. She did not wish to waste a second even.

" I need to teach you three most important exercises to you, Sonu, " Ani went on very fast and excitedly.

She wanted him to lose the extra flesh around his chin, neck and also keep his brain and the nervous system working normally till his last breath. For Ani, he was still the boy he had breastfed for three and a half years. 

It does not matter at all if he is indifferent or too materialistic or never cared about her because of infinite reasons that are exclusively his very own or if he is close-minded to any argument. She is speaking with him now. She can see him on the virtual platform. She has no expectation from him other than that he stays safe and healthy.

Once she tried explaining her situation to him and every bit of it was genuine. The apathy shown by him made her withdraw. The iceberg of aces and insults remained with her since then.

Ani worked out an equation of life then onwards. Every moment of her life will be filled with joy, work, entertainment, maintaining her health, traveling, making friends smiling at whomever she met to get back a counter smile, and winding up her day with a tired body that will give her a seven to eight hours of sound sleep to get up afresh next morning to start anew.

 What a memory! Chapter 11

The dust storm raged on. The washing machine in the corner of the master bedroom's balcony had a printed white rexin cover. It looked beige now. In seventeen years, Ani changed six houses.

Ani whatsapped her only son, settled overseas with his wife. 

" Do you remember the address of each house that we stayed in?" Ani was slightly hopeful that he might remember at least three.

Rupai, her thirty-year-old son, responded immediately with the addresses.

Every house had some sweet some bitter memories associated with it.

" You are like your grandmother, who, immediately after the recovery from her cerebral attack, could recall every wee incident, every word of hundreds of poems that she professionally recited. Blood is thicker than water. The memory is your only legacy," Ani felt thankful that he has been deprived of her weak memory.

Rupai and Unnati had last seen each other when he was just a toddler. 

Ani was a university student then. She had completed her master's but was pursuing her bachelor's in education. Torn between the two families who were equally important to her. The ego battle of mature women had complicated even very simple and comprehendible situations. Nobody was willing to budge even a centimetre to make things pleasant or acceptable.

Ani watched the huge funnel of dust that moved across the fields and over the houses with closed doors and windows. Dusty memories let tears roll down her dusty cheeks .Her palms were dusty and she could not wipe them away.

 Vanity -thy followers are mental  & physical ailments-Chapter 10

Supti , an apparently pleasant tall, high-nosed, especially for those who with those bound to take instructions from her or are in no way of use to her, has not been in the good books of Aesclepius.

" How are you all here together? Aren't you aware of the protocols?" She reprimanded the defaulters.

The maid stood blinking. The teacher - on -duty was not only ignored by her in her round but the minimum courtesey of a soft look or a' good morning ' is perhaps not her cup of tea.

"You have no idea,Ani , how she imposes tasks /assignments on us. Most of the time we are doing most of the work", her immediate colleagues expressed their angst.

Ani recalled an insignificant memory of the willingness she had exhibited more than a decade ago to assist Supti with the Board Coordination work. Ani came to know how Supti chose her trusted one and did not have the politeness to inform Ani about that and Ani's trip to France had to be cancelled because Supti continued suavely to assure her that she would call Ani anytime to assist her.

Aesclepius, however,  showered all sophisticated urban ailments on Supti. She was theoretically well versed with the biological aspects of plant and animal life. She had the quality grease to apply where work-life needed it.

"I am not even going to give a side glance now to recognize her presence in this corridor," Ani told herself. 

" Is she unhappy, frustrated or is it her nature?" Ani asked herself to reanalyze  Supti.

Ani decided to divert her attention and plucked some fresh neem leaves from the tree looking down on the balcony and who but Supti addressed her as she made her way downstairs .

" Are you going to eat them raw?'Supti was curious.

"No .I will cook them with sliced egg plant,grated ginger and green chillies."Ani was quick to respond.

En route home Ani wondered about the enigmatic presence of Supti.

 Will They or Will They Not?--Chapter 9

" I wonder if I can allot any assignment or any academic responsibility to you ?" Sanjana seriously interacted.

Ani's heart suddenly slowed down its rhythmic beat. Superannuation is just round the corner. The Boss had only smiled and precisely conveyed to her that she will come to know if an extension can be offered to her or not. 

A little more than thirty-four years of continuous service and the thought of a discontinuation of a regulated life of great work pressure that kept her spirits high and her equation with the work environment pleasantly moving is about to phase out.

Ani was, however,  shown that work has been assigned to her, in the schedule prepared, beforehand.

She walked away slowly from the room to the faculty room corner, which she has recently found cosy and comfortable for her . Not only the departmental colleagues but many others from across the departments,  as they enter and leave meet her, greet her, share varied experiences and cheer her up with their warm smiles.

Ani,  whatsapped her only son . She still had some expectation from this busy young blood of hers of some words of sympathy. He texted a smiley . He was never fond of words earlier also. 

" Be thankful for small blessings in life ", Ani remembered her grandmother's words. Life has sudden twists and turns that gradually makes one seasoned with the passage of time.

 Couldn't he have written," Don't worry, Ma.I am there for you always", Ani spoke to herself. Not that she expected it but a hidden longing to hear it was surging in her. Ani let her laptop be by itself and walked up and down the corridor for about ten minutes to encourage  fresh thoughts and feeling to rise and inundate her.

 Bhunai -gluttony or inanity? Chapter 8

" You never call me up?" was an aggressive female voice on the other end." It's I, who pull you in when family gain comes."

Ani was greatly amused. She knew that Bhunai's insatiable hunger for wealth, like jewellery, money not only made her extra sociable but the aggression in her tone also gets enhanced. Building castles in the air and then getting frustrated has been Bhunai's record, down the years. However, she restarts with the slightest hope of an assumed opportunity.

" You perhaps forgot how irrationally you behaved and humiliated me for no reason," Ani spoke calmly.

" Please shut up . I am not interested in wasting my time talking nonsense. Perhaps you have no idea how everybody is in touch with me, respect me, invite me and wait upon my words. It's I who reunited with our cousins. They feel uncomfortable with you," was said almost in one breath by Bhunai.

" Look, I know how much truth is there in whatever you say. If there's anything worth listening to, please speak precisely", Ani responded.

" I am in the city now. Our ancestral property if given to real estate agents, might fetch us crores. We are around twenty claimants. I want you to benefit .So I  called. There are some who are not interested in it. That's it. " Bhunai's tsunami of words stopped.

" Have you thought of the ones who are staying there for tens of years? I guess their financial crisis in this pandemic has surmounted. Moreover, this property was handed over willingly and legally to a spinster aunt," Ani thoughtfully said.

" I have gone through the necessary information. We had a meeting . Who wants your opinion now? You and your ego are responsible for the life that you have. Look at me.I am loved by all. If I make one call my family and relations come wherever they are ....."Bhunai went on but for the sake of peace, Ani disconnected her phone.

O Lord, Ani thought, how long can one keep grabbing, speaking half-truth or concocting facts? What is the limit of shamelessness? Is it some form of emotional insecurity or a step towards mental imbalance that makes Bhunai get from bad to worse? 

It's an open secret that untruth is her cup of tea.No one contradicts for decency, politeness or may be because they are indifferent,whatever.

 MA --Why suddenly in my early morning dream?-Chapter 7

She had two plaits with red ribbons tied to a flowery knot at the long end.

Ani remembered how she had seen her with one and two plaits as she waited downstairs ,on the footpath ,near the front gate of her double storey building ,waiting for the school bus .

They both were usually absorbed in a conversation , from Monday to Friday that was same in content 

"Don't you forget to eat the banana. It's good for health. The hard toast has grated cheese and black pepper powder sprinkled on top. Black paper is necessary for the body.The boiled potatoes are sliced and tomatoes and beans are added to it. You must eat everything in the break time then only go to play.Is that ok ?"Ani almost knew by heart these regular statements that she heard from Nursery to the Fifth Class.

Gradually school timings changed. Ani was also getting into her teens. Her father ,too had to be taken care of .Kanai , her father ,worked in a Chamber of Commerce and he too left home by nine in the morning.

Ani's mother, Nita preferred now to deliver instruction from the first floor balcony ,between getting breakfast ready for her husband and arranging his shirt, pant, tie, handkerchief .

The school bus arrives with a lot of sound of the children exchanging good mornings in an over enthusiastic manner and the break making a screeching sound.

Ani called out loudly to her mother. It became a habit by then .

" Ma ,bye." Nita rushed to the balcony and waved out .

It was half past five when her eyes opened. It was hazy outside. Ani pulled up the thick bedsheet to her shoulder. It not yet warm. February is enjoyable. Has Nita come to Ani's dreams to remind her that she is young and happy in the next world?

Ani tried to recall every bit of her dream. She saw her mother in a white sari with red and green border. The  red 'bindi' strikingly bright like a red dot  between her well trimmed eye brows. Her eyes as bright donned up in black 'kajal', a type of home made eye  liner. Her plaits revealed the thickness of her wavy and long hair.

Ani never thought of her mother .She never missed her .She had distanced herself from her mother ,some five years before her death.Why then such a pleasant appearance of Nita ,in Ani's dream this morning ?

 Work Work and Work ---Chapter 6

Every room had a wall clock. The balcony ,too, had one. Everyone had a minimum of two wrist watches .Ani had fifteen watches of different make, design and manufacturing date. Her life was confined in the dial of the one she used each day. Every second was priceless for her. Laws of existence were slightly different for her.

" Madam,do you ever rest ? When do you go to sleep at night ?" asked the loyal and ever curious maid Sumitra. 

Ani gave a wry smile. The maid - cum-cook worked in four houses in the housing society. Every word that emanated from her was spiced up by eager housewives for their evening meets ,in the park yoga class or in kitty parties.

Ani gave them no encouragement to these enthusiastic do - gooders. Every time she crossed their path ,all that she did was a brief ' namaskar'.

" Are you that busy ,Aniji, that you can't even join for 'Mata Ki Chauki' , also? Mrs Arora's sarcastic inquiry didn't anger Ani.

" Please  ,Mrs Arora don't misunderstand my work schedule. Give me your good wishes so that I may be able to be in one of them from start to finish, "Ani spoke suavely. She knew that a lion can also be at the mercy of the hyena,s when they outnumber the king suddenly.

" Can you take a class for us on 'Spoken English' , say once a week ? Mrs Seedhar intruded. " What would be your charge like ?"

" Spoken English for what ?" I was given a googly. In fact , as far as I know ,most of their husbands were in MNCs and they have been accompanying them to various get togethers.

" Only Varuna went to an English medium school. Rest of went to local Hindi medium schools. We come from the business community. A girl's parents spends crores to get a groom for us. We are ingrained with the thoughts that a marriage is everything in our life", Sunira was not regretting but she communicated this quite proudly. 

" When we go to parties ,Ma'm, we do feel out of place ,most of the times. Being dressed up for the occasion is not enough ,Ma'am, " Mrs. Makkar had a dash of regret in her tone.

" Why do you attend such parties then ?' was my quick question.

" Do we have any choice you think?" an immediate repartee ,perhaps straight from the heart of Mrs Kawatra.

These women are the happily married ones. They have nothing that they dislike in their lives is what they claim at gatherings. They play 'Tambola ' at ladies meet. The are dressed like queens on 'Karwa Chauth'.

Ani was slightly amused .Will she look seriously into the matter of grooming them in party communication, etiquette and yes the so called 'Spoken English' ?

 Chapter 5.

Forty Years Curtain -lifted?

Where have all the feelings gone?

The face now is vague

The man now meaningless

The memory now painful 

The longing now forgotten.

'Aesculapia ',the medical college fest was the rendezvous. The Quiz Master ,a dashing bright scholar of one of the best medical colleges of the country.

Ani represented her college with two other students. Amit, a reputed quizzer, sat with his team. They were from a reputed state government college too. Amit's team got the first position with a wide margin. Ani's team left with the participation certificate with a fifth ranking. 

As Ani waited for the bus ,Amit politely congratulated her for their sincere effort and some bright responses. Ani felt humiliated. She wondered whether he was pulling her legs or is he a 'lady -killer' sort of male or may be those stick-jaw males ,who keep following ladies of their choice.

Ani waved out at to a taxi. She never bothered to turn back to see his reaction at her apathy towards him.

Why was Ani feeling restless en route home ? Why did she take a taxi when a bus would have been cheaper and money was important for her. Her father had lost his job suddenly. She offered home tuitions to school students of the higher secondary level and 'Spoken English' classes at home for upstart women, and conducted counselling sessions for the emotionally challenged adolescents .

She had worked out a schedule with no space for distracting emotional conditions for her. Why then did she feel different when Amit met her personally? Many males did meet her in the community centre in her residential area to discuss about social and religious programmes, cultural shows or  literary events. Why was her feeling of a different kind in the presence of Amit today? Why did Ani want to avoid him? His eyes ,she thought ,were too deep and captivating. His voice was like the sound that she heard, while standing with her family, on the hard shore of Digha. His words were so collected ,precise and demanding response.

Ani looked at the hazy sky of February. Why had she met Amit four decades  ago ,she wondered. 

Many a time ,in Ani's life, many a thing, has kept her pondering and till date she has received no appropriately satisfying answer to her deep queries regarding them. Friends and acquaintances had offered suggestions or solutions but they were too puerile Ani thought.

Was Amit the third, a Nor'wester, in Ani's life? Will she be blown away? Will she stand firmly rooted to the soil beneath her feet? Her experiences with the second , a Gulf Stream,  the first a typhoon, were still fresh in her mind .

Life has already made her familiar with some emotional servings that either she misunderstood, or over- rated , or under estimated or found too complex to comprehend. They did leave some scars like the chicken -pox marks but hidden away from access of the inquisitive eyes.     

 Chapter 4.

The Sunset at Belur.

" Can you understand the language of the ripples touching your feet?" Amit asked, touching Ani lightly on her upper left arm .

She looked surprised .What does he really mean? What answer is he earnestly waiting for? Will unspoken words and an expressive look suffice?

Ani was at a loss .Clueless she looked at the empty space and almost stretchless wavelets that flowed gustily towards the sea.

Amit broke the silence ." Will tea be ok now? It's in small mud pots with an interesting taste. It's piping hot, Ani."

"Is it healthy to have such tea? They keep it boiling and then reheating .It's poisonous." Somehow she felt awkward having uttered such  inane words. She knew how thousands had it without any complaints or unsolicited advice.

Amit seemed to have ignores her words. In no time both were sipping the hot tea-like highly sweetened stuff as the sun glided towards the distant horizon and suddenly plunged into the water .

The security men blew their dutiful whistles indicating that all visitors were then to vacate the entire area ,immediately.

 Chapter 3

And they started leaving serially.

Ani looked at the calendar pages from August 2020.

A sudden call from Kolkata. It was Raksha Bandhan, August 4. Her heart beat rhythmically with the caller tune. It was the early hours of the morning.

" Hullo,who's this ?"

"She's passed away this morning," a female unrecognizable voice conveyed in a solemn tone.

A silence followed on both sides for a few forgotten seconds.

"Ok." Ani found no other words to respond. No remorse. No condolence. 

Ani went down memory lane. When she entered their house, Pronoti was in full form. She stole hearts of stags in the Hall of Fame. Her performances on stage ,in the radio, in television and in parties arranged anywhere ,occasionally fetched laurels for her. Her only child ,as talented, handsome and ambitious ,carved out a niche for himself.

Ani fell for Amit. He longed for emotional dependence . He was a dreamer too. He found that he could share ,though in a negligible way, some of his experience with Ani ,who listened attentively and nver proved to be judgemental. 

Amit was too close one day to confiding something that he had never told anybody earlier .

" Will you keep it to yourself only?" Amit said as the boat sailed from the bank towards the middle of the Hooghly River. A simple treat on his birthday he gave Ani. They both would take the river route to Belur. The river was deep. The launches passing by caused the boat to rise  up and descend with the waves. The boatsmen rowed while Amit recited Jibananda Das,   Nazrul, Shankha Ghosh and sang some romantic numbers from Rabindranath's immortal collections.

Ani watched him ponderously. Does he have a mountain of unspoken words that he is giving a tangential vent through these mediums of expression ? He is not the person that she has known for almost two years now. However ,an unseen thread seems to draw them nearer to each other than ever before.

Ani was lost in her own thoughts when she realized that he was now sitting close enough to brush his shoulders against her. The oarsmen ,perhaps ,were used to such couple - behaviour .They were indifferent even when he took Ani's  hands in his and became silent suddenly.

Both were perhaps engrossed in the melodious sound that silently coverged in their feelings and the sound of silence made them oblivious of the moving boat that had already reached Belur and one of the oarsmen called out ---"Didi time to let us go".

O no so fast a space of forty minutes fleeted to feelings? Amit still gripped her right palm firmly.

They looked ahead .The Belur Math ,where monks, couples old and young, male and female loners, lovers of all age groups, fanatics and liberals, vendors and the frustrated unemployed buying peanuts or a cup of tea in paper cups, children with parents and grandparents --yes a colourful humanity walked around the vast green meadow every single day from early morning till sunset.